The Art of Derek Dohren
original acrylics
previous life
biographical notes and assorted memories...
Chapter 1 - The Start
I was born then when I had grown up a bit I got educated. I then got a job then I went over there. Then I came here. Now I'm thinking of going somewhere else. By the time you read this I might well be dead. When you think about it being alive is just a temporary stage between two really really long bits of being dead.
The end.
Ok, it needs a bit of fleshing out. I admit that. I've done lots of stuff but I can't really remember it all. For instance there's been lots of eating, drinking and going to the toilet.
Incidentally, I can't stand it when people say things like 'you spend 26 years of your life asleep' or 'you sit on the toilet for one year' or whatever those silly stats are. It's as if you're wasting your time while you're snugly tucked up blissfully sleeping isn't it? And to be honest, I don't regret a single moment I've spent in or on the toilet. The alternative doesn't bear thinking about. In fact, all the horrible moments in life have come between the sleeping, eating, and toiletting activities. They're the nice bits in my experiece.
Ok, I just re-read this while sitting on the loo and it reads like I'm obssessed with going to the toilet. I'm not.
Chapter 2
Erm ...
I remember a wonderful holiday in Cornwall when I was a nipper. I found a hermit crab.
Right, I've scrapped that idea.
I'll do bullet points of key dates in my life instead, peppered with insightful comments:
May 1961 - Born, Liverpool, England.
Growing up in Liverpool in the 60s meant of course that I knew the Beatles. They were a bit older than me and my mates but we all used to hang out together in Strawberry Fields. I remember once Paul was strumming his guitar, playing some tune or other, and I said 'Oh Bla-Di Oh Bla-da', you know just messing about, and I was astonished later to hear them sing a song on the radio a few weeks later with the very same title. But that was Paul. He was like that. Would think nothing of turning you over just to make a quick buck. I've let it go now but I was quite bitter for a long time over it.
John was as bad. My little sister Lucy used to come out with us. We used to playfully throw her up in the sky and toss small diamonds at her ( not real ones obviously ). Nothing nasty but just for some laughs. Imagine my surprise when Strawberry Fields came out. Lucy used to love strawberries and I believe that, perhaps subconsciously, John tapped into that. And also it was the name of the fields we played in. Co-incidence? I think not. He was all about fame and glory. Loved signing autographs and doing all that 'star' stuff, hanging round the fans and revelling in it all. I'm not surprised he got shot by one of them. I could see it coming.
It was Ringo I bonded with most though. We stood on the Kop every week and he led the faithful in singing a medley of Beatles numbers from the terraces. The best time ever was during a Man Utd game in '67 - it was just a few months after Sergeant Pepper had come out - and in my view the version of Octopusses Garden that rained down on Sir Matt Busby's hapless players led directly to our 4-0 victory. George Best and Bobby Charlton never got a kick that day. It was brilliant. Incidentally, despite what is often claimed by so called experts there was no octopus garden in Strawberry Fields. Whatever you've read on the web is utter rubbish. It was just a made up song
with silly words and stuff.
The public perception of George Harrison was that he was dead quiet. He was. He never said anything that I can remember though to this day I still have a really cool 1966 World Cup Willie mascot that he gave me. He wasn't really into footy and it didn't matter a jot to him that we won the world cup. It was just music with him. All the time. And golf. He played a lot of golf. He got his handicap down to 6 at one point but the Beatles thing intefered with his game quite a lot. I believe if he hadn't wasted so much time fiddling with his guitar he could have made something with his life, something in the golfing world.
Jul 1974 - Shankly resigns. It had been a happy childhood but things changed forever in that dreadful summer. Shanks quit and that was that. The Beatles had split up a few years earlier of course but I knew from that day on there would never be a reunion. Ringo took it the worst, as I expected. John just went off and nearly killed himself with drugs. To be frank, Paul and George didn't give a rat's chuff.
1979 - Liverpool was known for its comedians. Most of them are awful though. I knew Stan Boardman very well and Tarby and I shared digs for a while but I never knew Doddy at all. He's a funny bloke by all accounts. By the late 70s though the alternative comic scene was in full swing and the old school were considered to be a joke - and not in a good way.
Alexei Sayle lived in my road, just a couple of doors away. The Sayles went on and on and on about being commies but I never once saw them queue for bread. When Lexy moved away to London and got really famous he bought a car and everything. Ringo never forgave him for that.
Aug 1979 - Given life imprisonment for a crime I never committed. My only offence was to make a wrong decision.
Nothing much happened for a lot of the time I was in stir. My cell mate was like Morgan Freeman. He admitted he was the only one in Walton who deserved to be there.
Inevitably I lost touch with most of the mates I had back then. Two of them however still remain close to me. Ernie Scales, known throughout most of the western world as Scaly - star of stage, screen and tv, is one of them of course. Sure he's a cantankerous old fish and certainly not someone I like to be seen with too often but he has a generous side to him that, er, no one ever sees.
Contrary to what people may think he's very shy too and I only mention him because he made me do it ( "all publicity is good publicity kid, even on an inane web site that no one ever reads ..." ). Best known for his major Hollywood years ( Jaws, A Fish Called Wanda, Free Willy ) and in fairness some low budget stuff he likes to go on about rather too much ( Half Price Willy, Snow White and the River Severn Dwarves ) he is perhaps known more to younger readers for his television comedy work ( Friends - the one with Ross and the fish ) and his now famously silent catch phrase where he hilariously forgets his lines. Sadly his career has nosedived somewhat after that now infamous appearance in the celebrity Big Brother house, but Scaly remains a dear, erm, acquaintance.
The tabloids have made much of the recently announced upcoming appearance Scaly is to make on the Jonathan Ross chat show. It is to be hoped a classy and restrained performance will be the launch pad to renewed success.
He wants me to add a note here stating categorically that he had nothing to do with the credit crunch and the collapse of Freddie Mac and Fanny Mae ( "never heard of either of 'em pal" ).
My other mate from those days is Ken Macaroon. Kenneth and I started ballet classes on the same day. Even then, as 4 year olds, I could tell he had more of an aptitude for it than I did and indeed time was to prove me right. Sure, we both suffered the cruel taunts of our classmates, but Kenneth rose above it all. Of course in those days it was ok to throw around homophobic insults and to indulge in appalling levels of bullying. Nowadays you only have to look at someone in a funny way to get slapped with an ASBO but things were different then. If only it had been the other way around we'd have been protected as kids but could now as mature adults insult anyone we liked without impunity.
That's the way it goes. Anyway, I'm digressing. We know that the three of us, me, Ken and Scaly, make an odd couple when we're seen out on the town but we don't care. Ringo, if you're reading this let me know your new number please - the old one just rings out.
2003 - My first book was published. Entitled Ghost on the Wall ( you can still buy it here ) I smuggled it out of nick using a small bird I had reared from a chick. I found it one day in the exercise yard and brought it up like one of my own, a bit like Brooks in Shawshank Redemption. I fed it on grubs I fished out of the disgusting prison food. Anyway, we used to get two sheets of bog roll a day and I always kept one back for my book and I would tie the page to Smiffy's little leg and off he'd go to the publishers. Good as gold he was. I really miss that bird. The book sales still limp on which is more than Smiffy does. I hear he bought a pellet from some punk with an air rifle. Anyway I got a royalty cheque for £3.81 this morning and that sort of love keeps you going doesn't it?
2004 - They were getting close to releasing me and let me out for 7 months on an experimental home release scheme. I went to Zimbabwe and spent a month painting stripes on zebras. I specialised in doing legs. A spell de-lousing donkeys in the Serengeti was certainly, how shall we say, a 'rich' experience. Ha ha those crazy mules. Still, I've fond memories.
2007 - I began painting pictures. The writing had stopped and I needed a new outlet. By now I was a trusted prisoner and pretty much calling the shots.
Feb 2009 - I painted The Fossil Hunters using nothing but pipe cleaners and toilet bleach after losing a bet with one of the prison nonces. I think I had the last laugh on that one. 350 million years in the making, 3 hours in the execution.
Jul 2009 - Freedom. They let me out for continued bad behaviour. No wife, no kids, my house no longer a home, but hey I got a few quid in my pocket and a pad of acrylic painting sheets and some brushes. What more do I need? Paint. I need paint. I'll get some of that tomorrow but tomorrow can take care of itself. It's now that counts. I can't paint now because I've got no paint. I'll start tomorrow.
I recently got a job as a butler in Glasgow working for Lord and Lady Chips-Colon (real names changed, obviously). It's an irregular sort of arrangement. I don't do an awful lot of butling and they feed me and let me stay over on occasions. I'm teaching their daughter how to play the euphonium. The time in stir wasn't a total waste after all.
So there you have it. I think everything's pretty much covered. I did other things too. If I can remember any of them I'll pop them in here.
Oh aye yeah, I nearly forgot.
Jan 2010 - I emigrated to Spain. It was a rum do. I got fired by Lord and Lady C over a minor misunderstanding. You can read about Spain if you click one of the links that say 'Spain'.
Proper and correct career resume here
