The Year of the Rabbit

Ok, so this is my idea, right. You know the way everyone’s getting really fat?

Are they?

Yes you know, in general, people are getting bigger aren’t they?

Hmm, I suppose.

Well, it’s a story about how the whole world’s getting fatter all the time, you know, loads of people are overeating and putting on weight. It’s a story about that, so it’s really relevant to what’s happening now across a lot of the world, right, but it’s set in the future, maybe like a hundred years from now.

Oh, ok.

Yeah, and there’s this guy in the story, he’s the main character right, and he’s really important, ok, only he doesn’t realise it.

Why’s he so important then?

Well, I don’t wanna say too much but the point is this guy’s dead ordinary except he’s nowhere near as fat as everyone else, and that’s because he has a secret. But like I say he doesn’t realise he has this secret and that it’s important.

It sounds pretty lame to be honest.

No, no it’s good. But rather than me waffle on I’d prefer you to read it and let me know what you think. I don’t wanna give too much away.

Ok, but this guy, the one with the secret, is the secret just that he doesn’t gorge himself on junk food all day?

No it’s not that. You’re over simplifying things.

Am I?

Yes, this important bloke, he’s not actually that slim. In fact, he is a bit on the plump side but he’s just not as fat as most people that’s all.

And this is because he has the secret to staying slim?

Well, partly yes.

Partly?

Yes.

So if he only partly knows the secret how come he’s slimmish? Is having part of the secret enough to make you not as fat as everyone else or is there another reason why he’s not so fat?

You’re being a bit pedantic mate to be honest. It’s not like that.

Pedantic? No I’m not. Why’s he not as fat as everyone else if this secret is only part of the reason?

Well, he does a bit of jogging as well.

Jogging? So they still have jogging in the future then?

Yes of course they do.

Well it doesn’t seem to be working for them does it? I mean if they’re all really fat and that.

Yes, but hardly anyone does it. The main guy does it a bit and it helps a little but it’s not really significant. We’re getting a little off the point. It’s not important.

Well I think it’s relevant. How often does he go jogging then?

What?

Well, if he only does half a mile, once a week, it isn’t going to help is it, but if he’s putting a good few miles in, say three or four days a week, it’s bound to make a difference.

Well yes ok, he is doing a few days a week.

What days?

What?

What days does he jog? Does he go often?

Erm, only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Iptdays.

Iptdays? What’s one of them?

It’s not important. As I’ve told you, it’s set in the future. I don’t wanna give too much away but there’s been a new day added to the week and they decided to call it Iptday.

Iptday?

Yes

Have we lost one of the other days or is it now an eight day week?

I just old you, it’s a new day that’s been added. They have eight day weeks, but it’s not really important.

Well I think it is.

No, it’s not. Look you’re missing the point. Forget Iptday, it’s about this guy and he has a secret and it’s really brilliant the way he discovers it.

How come the only bits that sound mildly interesting are the bits you keep saying aren’t important? I still think it sounds crap. I wanna know about Iptday. When does it come? Is it between Wednesday and Thursday, is it an extra weekend day, or what?

I’m not exactly sure to be honest.

Ha, what do you mean you’re not sure? That’s ridiculous, you wrote it. You must know.

Well, once again, it’s not really important.

But why do it then? I think it is important. It’s crucial in fact.

Well I was trying to make the future seem a bit more interesting, you know. We didn’t always have days of the week did we, and now that we have them, there’s no reason to suppose they’re just gonna just stay the same.

Yes there is! That’s garbage. There’s only the same number of hours in a day, and days in a year and so on. You can’t just go adding days to the week. It’s all to do with the sun and the moon and the earth and all that. You can’t just add days.

Well what about cavemen and that? They never had days?

What?

When we lived in caves, people weren’t like really p1ssed off because it was Sunday night and they had to go to work in the morning because it was going to be Monday were they? They didn’t really bother about what day it was.

Maybe, but that’s not the point is it? They still had days. They were still living under the same sun, in the same solar system with hours of daylight and darkness and so on.

Well, whatever, you know what I mean.

No I don’t. You can’t just add days, and you can’t take them away either.

Well I think there’s been a nuclear explosion or something.

What?

In the story, there’s been a really big terrorist explosion and the earth’s rotational speed or something has shifted and they’ve had to bung in another day because all the hours are cocked up.

You’ve just made all that bit up haven’t you?

What bit?

About the nuclear explosion.

No I haven’t.

Yes you have. Ok, where and when did this explosion happen, and why?

In Greenland, about the year 2059.

Greenland?

Yes, melting ice sheets revealed huge oil reserves and the Chinese invaded it.

The Chinese?

Yes, look, it’s not important. We’re getting bogged down. This bloke, right, he does a bit of light jogging but that’s not really why he ...

No sorry, I don’t care about this guy now. I wanna know why the Chinese are in Greenland, why there’s been a nuclear explosion, and who’s idea was it to bung in an extra day, and who decided on the ridiculous name of it. I mean all the other days of the week are planets or something aren’t they? What’s Iptday supposed to mean?

What?

The days of the week, they’re named after planets. We did it in school. It’s about the Latin names, so you have Saturn is Saturday, Monday’s to do with the moon, erm Friday’s Venus or something...

Listen mate, I’ve no idea what you’re on about and look, it doesn’t matter. It’s not the point.

Are the Chinese fat as well?

What, you mean like now or in this book?

In the book! They don’t strike me as a race of people who are prone to getting fat, even in the future.

Well that’s where you’re wrong see. We’re all just people aren’t we? We’ve all got the same organs and stuff. Even the Chinese. And like I said, in the book the whole world’s got this obesity thing going on, a bit like what’s happening now, only more so.

Why don’t people just eat less?

It’s not as simple as that is it?

Er yeah, I think it is really. This guy, the one who’s a bit slimmer, I bet his secret is that he doesn’t stuff as much saturated fat down his gob as everyone else. And he does a bit of jogging, a mile or two on Mondays and Wednesdays and perhaps a tough five miler on Iptday.

No, that’s not it at all. You’ll have to read it. Listen mate, it’ll blow you away.

It doesn’t have time travel in it does it?

No, I can’t really do that. It drives me round the bend. And it’s clichéd.

Oh aye, you’d never write anything clichéd.

So will you read it for me then? Check it over and see what you think?

Will it take long?

What?

Will it take long, you know, to read? It’s just that I’m supposed to be going out for a Chinese.

You’ll get fat eating that stuff.

Probably.